Lock. It. Up.

Who likes the new look of the blog!? If you say you don’t you’re dumb. It’s obviously better. There are more pictures of me. And my precious baby angel dog. And wine. All of these things result in more awesomeness. Duh.

I haven’t written anything in a few days because I’m off my game. I’ve been unemployed for almost a month and the funk is settling in in full force. Like, I feel like there are dementors around all the time. I’m just cold and got the sads in a major way. Sadly, no one is kissing me though. I’d even accept a dementor kiss at this point. Yikes. What has my life come to??

Anyway, last night when I was going to bed I said to myself, “Kyle, (that’s what I call myself) you’re a mess. You need to lock it up.” (Thanks for bringing that Boy Meets World memory back so I could make use of it KT.) Also, in completely unrelated news to me locking it up, one of my newest life goals is to get myself a buttload of dogs that represent every character from Boy Meets World. I just thought you should know.

So, as I was saying, I’m locking it up. I got up this morning, took a shower and put on an actual outfit that does NOT include Victoria’s Secret sweatpants for the first time in a hot minute. Took my ass away from the couch where it was beginning to make a permanent indention and have set up job search central at the kitchen table, where I’m actually sitting up like a real life person instead of reclining on the couch with my fave blanket in my pajamas with greasy ass hair. I’m clean. I’m dressed. I’m upright. This is serious.

I’ve decided the best way to go about this is to get my lazy ass into a routine, kind of like I have a job. Only instead of going to work and making money I’ll be at my kitchen table making ZERO dollars. Whatevs. It’s all about perspective. And if my perspective didn’t change in a hurry I was going to merge into the couch and no one was ever going to see me again and it would have been very sad.

Alright, my self imposed lunch break is over. Back to sending out resumes. Have I told you guys how AWESOME it is to send out resumes all day!? PUKE.

If you don’t hear from me soon, check the couch. Adios!

Try not to fall asleep reading this.

Guys, my life is a snoozefest. I feel like a bad blogger if I don’t write regularly, and I have “Blog” written on my To Do list for today and I HATE when I leave things un-crossed out on my To Do list. So here I am. I feel like I’m doing you a disservice by not writing anything, but really I think it’s a greater diservice to force you to read about the nothing that is happening in my life currently.

I boozed it up Wednesday for Thanksgiving Eve, as discussed, great success. I boozed it up on Thanksgiving night, I would also call that a success. I boozed it up the night after Thanksgiving. A DJ playing music straight out of my High School days, playing card games in a public bar, and $55 worth of Jack in the Box obviously made that a success as well. All of that boozing means that I spent three nights in a row drunkenly sleeping on people’s couches and leaving my dog at home with no one to snuggle with in the nighttime. So last night I was dunzo and refused to leave my house. It was such a good life choice.

I slept for 10 hours in my own bed snugglin’ with my Sopapilla and woke up feeling like a whole new person. I got up this morning and went to church, did all my laundry, deep cleaned my entire house, made a healthy menu and grocery list for this week, came up with a sweet workout schedule which is now color coded and hanging on my wall, made dinner, and now I’m boring you fine folks with all of that information you didn’t need to know in any way. You’re welcome!

I wish I could have decorated for Christmas today, but I’m waiting for my box of Christmuukah decor to be shipped to me from North Carolina. At least everything is sparkly clean and ready to be decorated. Hopefully it arrives this week and we can turn this place into a Chrismuukah wonderland.

Now I’m going to make myself some hot chocolate with 28479357 marshmallows and watch Elf. I’m obviously fully in the Christmas swing of things today. Happy Holidays pals!!

Festive Happy Thanksgiving Post!

Happy Thanksgiving ya’ll!!

I know I’m a day late. Get off me. To be honest yesterday didn’t really feel like Thanksgiving to me in any way. This year was the first year in my 25 years of existence that I didn’t spend Thanksgiving with my mom, for reasons we don’t need to go into on the world wide web, and it just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving  to me without her around. Don’t get me wrong, I have SO MUCH to be Thankful for, and I am. But I’ve just been such a hot mess for the better part of this week over my family dramatics that by yesterday all my feelings were turned off and it was just a day of me trying to not have mental breakdown for the most part.

I got home from my first ever legit Thanksgiving Eve celebration since I’ve spent every Turkey Day of drinking age in the Carolina until now. It was an absolute success. The grande size headache I had yesterday was NOT a success.

I hung out with Truman during the day. We did nothing festive in any way. I asked last week what he wanted to do for Thanksgiving and his response was, “Dunno. Sit around I guess.” Not QUITE what I was going for. I asked if he wanted me to get a small turkey and make us a Thanksgiving dinner and he informed me he does not like turkey. Or pumpkin anything. Or any of “that other Thanksgiving shit.” Got it. So, obviously, there was no Thanksgiving shit.  I had planned to make us some muffins or something for breakfast at least, but my hangover prevented that from becoming a reality. My bad. So, we had TDog’s perfect Thanksgiving and sat around, just as he requested.

When 2 pm hit it was obviously Moose Lodge time for T-Dizzle. Drinking time doesn’t take a holiday guys. I then headed to my best friend’s mom’s to celebrate Thanksgiving with their family. I ate A LOT of bombass food. It did finally feel like a real holiday a little. Mostly the part where I’m so full I feel like I’m literally going to explode but I can’t stop eating.  And keeping with the holiday spirit her two-year old nephew told me REPEATEDLY that he did not like me. And just for good measure shouted it one more time as he was out the door heading to the car. I’ve got a real way with kids.

We then packed up and headed to another of my best friend’s soon to be in-law’s Thanksgiving celebration. This leg of my day included a large amount of liquor and a South African. So it was obviously the best part. We all proceeded to get fairly drunk and then headed back to her house for a Thanksgiving slumber party where I got to snuggle with one of my all time fave dog friends. Life was obviously good.

That’s my fun and festive Thanksgiving recap. I now give everyone permission to get out all your tacky ass Christmas decor and blast that Mariah Carey Christmas CD for the next month. You will get no more side eye from me for it.

Pinterest will not beat me.

Today I decided to take on Pinterest. I’ve been on it for a hot minute, technically, but I never got on because I just didn’t get it. One would think I would just move on with life, but no. I’m a follower. All of my friends really like it which made me determined to really like it too. Obviously.

After spending a good part of my day pinning and having my pins liked and repinned, I felt pretty popular and can understand why this is enjoyable.

Here’s the thing I don’t get about Pinterest though. When I login, I see these stupid pins from these dumb people I don’t even follow. I went in and made sure I wasn’t following them. I logged out and logged back in and these people and their pins that I could not care any less about are STILL in my face. Pinterest friends, how do I make them go away!? They’re taking away from my pinning experience. I’ll be honest, they’re the reason I wasn’t on the Pinterest bandwagon until now, because all I was seeing was their dumbass watercolor pins and stuff they find funny that in actuality is not funny at all. I’m following enough people who I actually like and who pin stuff that really IS funny now that it’s dispersed in between all their idiot pins so it’s a little easier to handle. But still. I just want them to be gone forever. So help me pals. How do I make them leave my Pinterest universe!?

Tomorrow I will pin again. I am determined to like this as much as everyone else.

What a follower…

Crazy Dog Lady For Real

I don’t think you guys fully understand what a crazy dog lady I am. I’m legit nuts. I have really philosophical thoughts sometimes like, “What if I had a DIFFERENT dog, not THIS dog? I bet I wouldn’t love it as much…” Sometimes I look at the French Bulldog Rescue Network’s website and cry because I want all the dogs. ALL. THE. DOGS. So, in true crazy dog lady fashion, here is a look at my dog’s birthday. Photo style. (Also I’m an f’ing WordPress noob and cannot make all the pictures have captions and look right and be cool. It’s fine. Just pretend I’m fancy. I wish I wasn’t so computer stupid….)
 
 
 Happy Birthday morning to you and yours!!
 
Sophia spends a majority of her day perched right here or on the back of the other couch looking out the windows for birds, squirrels, hoodrats, empty beer bottles, etc. It’s SUPER entertaining when she finds one of these items and almost falls off the couch in excitement. So obviously, no birthday would be complete without spending some time participating in her favorite past time.
 
Shut UP and stop trying to take my picture! I’m BUSY.
 
She then snuggled up for a nap approximately 27 minutes after getting up for the day. It’s hard work stalking the neighborhood from the couch.
 
Life is hard on your birthday.

 We played for a while before I had to get ready for my job interviews. I did not photograph her favorite mutilated duck toy. It’s embarrassing.

This is my ball and you can never have it. Ever. I’ll cut you.
It was obviously nap time. Again. Seriously, homegirl has a HARD life.
 
Sunshiiiiiiine.
 
I planned to take Sopapilla on a walk  in her adorable puppy pea coat when I got back home but SOMEONE decided to poop on the floor while I was gone. Seriously, she has not had an accident in probably over a year. Today!? Really!? Because it’s her birthday she did not get beat and barely got yelled at. But she did get her Happy Birthday walk taken away. Consequences, guys. Also, I threatened to throw away her adorable birthday treats because I envision her schatting on the floor at the exact time I was buying them and laughing at me. But that PROBABLY didn’t happen. So she got to choose a treat for today and the other one is being saved for tomorrow.
Baby Angel Birthday Treats!
I choose the cupcake and will put the ENTIRE thing in my mouf so you cannot take it back, you thief.The best option is clearly to hold this entire treat in my mouth and avoid eye contact.
 
I have terrible posture and can no longer resist this cupcake's deliciousness.

 After dinner we watched last night’s episode of Up All Night. She tried to flatter me in hopes it would help me forget about her little accident. It worked.

Christina Applegate is funny AND pretty. Just like you, Mom.
Snuggles!Rub mah belly!
 
After Birthday belly rubs homie threw herself backwards and has been passed out happily in my lap ever since. Puppy birthdays are HARD ya’ll.
 
 
And I'm out.
 
Seriously, I’ve edited this 7 times. It keeps showing up right when I’m editing it but when I publish it random pictures are gone and their captions are scrunched up with other pictures. I’m about to throw my laptop into the fireplace, so this is as good as it gets folks. I am not WordPress savvy enough to make it right. BLECH!!!!

I have a mouth like a sailor.

Whoa. My post yesterday was vulgar and foul-mouthed. Apologies. I’ve gotta lock it up with the dirty words. It’s offensive in real life, but I feel like it’s even more offensive in writing.

I don’t really have anything good to tell you guys today. I was a pretty worthless individual for a majority of my day. Unemployment funk is starting to set in in full force. I’ve got to figure out how to counteract it ASAP. Tomorrow I have two job interviews and a bunch of errands to run. You know, because I haven’t had time to run errands allllllll week with my busy schedule and all. Pssshhhh. Anyway, I feel like getting out of my house will help with my funkyness. And not funky in a good way, like the White Boy playing the music. Funky in a bad way, like I don’t like to get off my couch or put on pants that don’t have an elastic waistband.

Also, if someone would like to get me a ticket to go see Breaking Dawn at midnight tomorrow, that’d be cool. I originally didn’t get one because I thought I’d be in NC, but seeing as how my limited funding has prohibited me from traveling this holiday season, I’m now regretting that decision. So someone should surprise me with one. That would be AWESOME.

Annnnnd tomorrow is my dog’s FIFTH birthday. Man I feel old.

Anyways, I just stopped by to apologize for the harsh language that was used yesterday. I hope I didn’t offend anyone other than myself with my dirty mouth. I’ll  try to lock it up with the swears-EXCEPT wizard swears. Those are here to stay, you blast ended skank.

 

Sluts is also not in the spell check dictionary.

You guys, I have a problem. And I think some of you are involved. As an apology I will be accepting cash and Target gift cards.

No one gives a shit about Thanksgiving. Everyone just jumps right off the Halloween train and sails away on the jolly Christmas boat and forgets all about Thanksgiving, that poor bastard holiday that’s stuck right in the middle. I get it, it doesn’t have as much to offer as the other holidays.

Halloween gives you a reason to put on a stupid costume, lets chicks dress like sluts and makes it somewhat acceptable (NOT fully acceptable. I’m still judging you, hos. Put SOME clothes on, it’s cold out. And I don’t need to see all your lady bits. Sick.), you get to eat a crapload of candy, and pumpkin flavored booze is out in full force. Fun for all!!! I’m right there with you on the Halloween train. I’ll be the f’ing conductor.

Then Halloween ends. Sadness all around. This is where I veer off from all of you assholes I’m preaching at though-It’s NOT immediately time for Christmas. I should not see a Christmas tree, hear a Christmas carol or be offered a Christmas treat for one full month. Don’t think I’m a Scrooge. I love me some Christmas. I have full on Chrismuukah celebrations. I’ll decorate with the best of ’em and play Christmas songs on my iPod like it’s my job. BUT NOT UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING.

Yeah, Thanksgiving has less to offer. You don’t get to put on silly costumes like Halloween (UNLESS you are my dog and are lucky enough to own a pilgrim hat!!) and there aren’t as many magical decorations as there are at Christmas. Aw, a holiday about spending time with family and being THANKFUL FOR ALL YOUR BLESSINGS, how lame. Everyone is dumb. Thanksgiving should be embraced. Yeah, the history lesson behind it is jacked. As someone with a Native American background I fully appreciate that. “Let’s celebrate the white people giving the Indian’s a delicious meal then shipping them off to the shottiest bits of real estate they can find while they steal their land and their food and take advantage of their hot chicks like Pocahontas!” No. But seriously? Give the rest of it a chance. Give THANKSGIVING a chance. It deserves it.

Then the next day get all kinds of crazy over beanie babies and tickle me Elmo’s and whatever else you need to beat bitches up over at your Black Friday sales and put up all the gaudy decorations your heart desires. THAT is when Christmas season begins. Not today, folks. Not. Today.

Myself and Thanksgiving thank you for listening to our rant. Please send any and all apology gifts to my home address.

I’m a domestic goddess.

Hey friends. Does anyone have an independently wealthy man friend they’d like to send my way to support me for the rest of my days?? I mean, I don’t know why they have to be independently wealthy…they can be hard-working. As long as the dollars are rollin’ in, know what I mean?

Today I discovered I would be an AWESOME house wife. Last week was my first week of being unemployed and I basically just pouted and moped around and stuff. I quickly realized I was going to be just a hot mess if I kept that shit up. So this week we’re getting serious. Game face.

 Today I got up bright and early, popped in a load of laundry, worked out, made a delicious breakfast, cleaned the house, sent out a bunch of resumes, went to the grocery store, sent out more resumes, made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen AGAIN, and now I’m blogging. Boom. I’m awesome at life. If I could just find someone to finance this way of life, I’d be set. I used to believe I wouldn’t be able to not work because I would get bored out of my mind-not so, my friends. Let me tell you why.

If there is money rollin’ in from another source, I won’t get bored. I can go shopping with said money. I can use my personal Big Poppa’s dollars to join a gym and work on my fitness to ensure my hot trophy wife status. I can go on lunch dates with my fellow rich bitch friends. (I’m assuming that those just come with my new wealthy man friend. Is this not how it works?) I already volunteer, but without having to spend my days sending out those pesky resumes and going on job interviews and stuff I could volunteer even MORE. The world would be a better place. You’re welcome world. I’m just lookin’ out.

So, moral of this story, I need everyone to be on the look out for high rollers with empty ring fingers and send them all my direction. It’s not just for me, guys, it’s for the WORLD.

Did you know ridiculousness is not in the spell check dictionary??

Hi pals.

I’m really trying to write on a regular basis seeing as how I’m unemployed and stuff (Oh, have I mentioned I’m unemployed? Only EVERY time I write anything and you wish I would STFU already? Riiiiight….) and I have an abundance of free time on my hands. But trying to come up with stuff to write about is more difficult than one would think. I feel like I need to have a topic to stick to, but then I get here and basically end up just word vomiting a whole crapload of randomness for your reading pleasure. I won’t lie, people tell me this hot mess makes them lol, so apparently the randomness isn’t as offensive as I imagine it to be.

So here’s an update on my life:

Went to my first Blue’s game. Decided to become a hockey fan. Sometimes the refs just dance around and let these dudes beat each other up. It’s AWESOME. Then sometimes the refs break stuff up as soon as one dude mean mugs another dude. That is not awesome. Basically I guess the refs have multiple personalities and it just depends on which one shows up during fight time? Do not get it. Also, decided I should get a hockey player boyfrienn. They’re hot. And then I could wear his hockey jerseys which seem to me to be SUPER comfortable and the perfect bagginess to hide any and all fat rolls, beer guts, etc. I had a Brett Hull jersey when I was a young’n. Then I wrote him a letter and told him how much I loved him and stuff and he never wrote me back. Then I stopped believing in hockey and Brett Hull. That was probably at least 18 years ago. I’ve decided it’s time to let it go. I forgive you Brett.

Apparently all my friends knew I was a baby person and were just waiting for me to figure it out. I think this is rude. If anyone knows anything else about me they’re just waiting for me to figure out on my own, can you just tell me now and save us all the time it will take my el stupido self to learn about it? I’m obviously not quick. Help a sister out.

I’ve somehow gotten myself into being on the committee for the Relay For Life of Troy. I managed to take on far more responsibility than I originally planned and am now in charge of the Luminaria Ceremony. Whoops. If anyone would like to help me with that, shout me a holler.

Also, I went to church last Sunday and today I got a lovely card from them in the mail with a QuikTrip gift card so gas for my next visit would “be on them.” I think this is super nice, but also kind of wonder if there’s a better way for a church to use their money than sending $5 gift cards to EVERYONE who comes for their first time? That’s gotta get expensive…But that’s not my business and let’s be real, I’ma happily use that $5 so I should probably shut up and just say thank you.

That’s all I’ve got. Thanks for reading this mess. If you’re someone who has told me you find this funny or that you think I’m a good writer, I like you a lot. You make me feel better about the ridiculousness that is my life. Adios amigos.

The charade is over.

Guys. I’m a mess. Like mentally I’m just fucked up currently. It’s basically your quintessential quarter life crisis. Everyone I know has started their career and they’re in relationships, or meeting people, or getting married, or having kids. And I’m not. Doing ANY of that. I am unemployed, AGAIN. Have no idea what I want to do with my life and will most likely die alone, as a crazy dog lady.

I gave myself this weekend to wallow in my misery. Only leaving my house to go and meet this little nugget.

Let’s take it back a little. I’ve said basically since I can remember that I do not want kids. I do not like them, I do not want them, no. Then things starting going downhill.

My friend Bacon had a baby. He. Is. AWESOME. I thought he was just going to be the exception to the rule and would be the one tiny human that I could be cool with. We were pretty tight. We hung out regularly, I talked to him like a normal human because I have no idea how to talk to children in appropriate child-like ways, I would even share my queso rice with him at the Mexican restaurant-THAT’S a big deal. It was cool because Eli was seriously cool. So I accepted that I would be homies with one child in my life.

Well then this summer another one of my amigos procreated. I went to see baby Georgia the day she got home from the hospital. She was the newest person I had ever met and I LOVED her. She was amazing. I left their apartment and told my best friend, “I could have one of those one day.” WHAT!? This sent me into a week-long identity crisis. WHO AM I!? I am not the girl who thinks she could have one of those one day. I don’t EVER want one of THOSE. That’s who I am. The girl who doesn’t like kids. Shit. Identity=Ruined.

I hadn’t really thought much about the entire situation until recently. My friend Lauren, one of my best friends since HIGH SCHOOL and her husband, who I’ve known since KINDERGARTEN were having a babay.

A few things here….a. When did we get old enough that people were legitimately married and had jobs and a house and it wasn’t a huge scandal for them to be knocked up?? Like, this kid is totally not a bastard in any way and I’m baffled by it. b. Seriously, how did we get this old?

Anyway, in the last few weeks my days have almost always involved checking in to find out the progress on our little bundle of joy and his mom. She was SO ready for him to get here, and so was I because I felt miserable for her. Then, on Friday, he was here. Holy. Shit. Lauren and Ryan have a BABY. So Saturday I drug myself from my hole of “woe is me” and went to meet my new little friend.

You guys. He. Is. Perfect. Seriously, I fell in love immediately. He’s so soft and his ears are so teensy and he has such tiny little old man hands. I just love him. (Sidenote-I think you should all know that I had a typo there and originally wrote ,”I love me.” Arrogant much? What an asshole.)

The moral of this story? I think it’s time to suck it up and openly admit to the world that I LIKE BABIES. My entire persona has been ruined and I have to figure out a new one now. But at least I’ve finally admitted it.

I AM A BABY PERSON.

Stupid.