You guys, I have a problem. And I think some of you are involved. As an apology I will be accepting cash and Target gift cards.
No one gives a shit about Thanksgiving. Everyone just jumps right off the Halloween train and sails away on the jolly Christmas boat and forgets all about Thanksgiving, that poor bastard holiday that’s stuck right in the middle. I get it, it doesn’t have as much to offer as the other holidays.
Halloween gives you a reason to put on a stupid costume, lets chicks dress like sluts and makes it somewhat acceptable (NOT fully acceptable. I’m still judging you, hos. Put SOME clothes on, it’s cold out. And I don’t need to see all your lady bits. Sick.), you get to eat a crapload of candy, and pumpkin flavored booze is out in full force. Fun for all!!! I’m right there with you on the Halloween train. I’ll be the f’ing conductor.
Then Halloween ends. Sadness all around. This is where I veer off from all of you assholes I’m preaching at though-It’s NOT immediately time for Christmas. I should not see a Christmas tree, hear a Christmas carol or be offered a Christmas treat for one full month. Don’t think I’m a Scrooge. I love me some Christmas. I have full on Chrismuukah celebrations. I’ll decorate with the best of ’em and play Christmas songs on my iPod like it’s my job. BUT NOT UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING.
Yeah, Thanksgiving has less to offer. You don’t get to put on silly costumes like Halloween (UNLESS you are my dog and are lucky enough to own a pilgrim hat!!) and there aren’t as many magical decorations as there are at Christmas. Aw, a holiday about spending time with family and being THANKFUL FOR ALL YOUR BLESSINGS, how lame. Everyone is dumb. Thanksgiving should be embraced. Yeah, the history lesson behind it is jacked. As someone with a Native American background I fully appreciate that. “Let’s celebrate the white people giving the Indian’s a delicious meal then shipping them off to the shottiest bits of real estate they can find while they steal their land and their food and take advantage of their hot chicks like Pocahontas!” No. But seriously? Give the rest of it a chance. Give THANKSGIVING a chance. It deserves it.
Then the next day get all kinds of crazy over beanie babies and tickle me Elmo’s and whatever else you need to beat bitches up over at your Black Friday sales and put up all the gaudy decorations your heart desires. THAT is when Christmas season begins. Not today, folks. Not. Today.
Myself and Thanksgiving thank you for listening to our rant. Please send any and all apology gifts to my home address.