It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with, it’s who you want to spend all day Saturday with. (But I’d also prefer to stop spending Friday nights alone…)

I feel like I flippantly refer to my mental instability and belief I’m going to die alone around here on a pretty regular basis and ya’ll probably deserve a little bit more information about this.

So, here’s the deal. a. I’m mentally unstable. and b. I believe I’m going to die alone as a crazy dog lady. There ya go. HA.

No, but for real. I genuinely love my life. I’ve really gotten my shit together in the last year, and I’m happy with the way things are going. But about once a month (PMSing is AWESOME) if I happen to be left alone, I get in my own head a little too much and recently this has resulted in me having a few emotional breakdowns and crying for approximately 5-7 hours.

I truly don’t think I’m going to die alone. Deep down I honestly do believe that someday I am going to find some idiot who won’t completely annoy me and I will sucker him into thinking I’m not completely crazy, obnoxious, and douchey and convince him he wishes to spend the rest of his days with me. And we will live happily ever after. It just starts to be a little much for me when I’m sitting at home alone on a Friday night watching romantic comedies and I start thinking about how I am seriously one of the ONLY single people I know, ya know?

SHUT UP, Katherine Heigl, you stupid liar!!

Patience, I hear, is a virtue. I wouldn’t know because I don’t have any. I want what I want and I want it IMMEDIATELY. (Only child syndrome?? Noooooo….) I will be the first person to tell you that up until recently I was absolutely not in any place to be in any type of serious relationship. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing with my life. In the last year I have grown up TREMENDOUSLY and have figured a lot of those things out. And I really honestly believe that figuring all that out has put me in a place that makes me ready to actually meet someone. So, I cannot fathom why said person has not immediately shown up in my life, at the exact moment I became ready for him? It does not make sense.

If you tell me that I’m too picky, and I find something wrong with everyone I ever meet in life, and that I’m loveable but don’t want to love anyone because of said ability to find something wrong with everyone, or anything along any of those lines, I’ma shank you. Shut up. Not even true. No one is even showing an interest in me to give me the chance to find a minuscule thing about them that annoys me and completely blow it out of proportion, so shut your face hole.

So anyway, I’m single and ready to mingle. I’m sure after this rant you’re all going to be lining UP to set your friends up with me. Here’s the deal, I’m looking for someone who looks like Ryan Gosling, has a fabulous sense of humor, finds me f’ing hysterical, and is incredibly wealthy so I can spend the rest of my days as his trophy wife. I don’t think this is asking too much.

I kid, I kid. But seriously, if you know someone, HOLLER.


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