I’m Weak.

Right after the New Year I decided I was going to take myself off all the dating sites. And then realized I was on them ALL. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony….I had a profile on FIVE dating apparatuses and not one single date. It was time-consuming, and I was getting nothing out of it. So I decided I was deleting all of them, living my life, and I was going to meet someone out in the wild. People did it forever. Like, ten years ago people were almost exclusively meeting each other and falling in love out in the real world. It HAS to still be possible. And I was going to do it.

I started getting out of my car and going INTO Starbucks to get my morning coffee. Maybe I’ll meet someone in an adorable way in a Starbucks!! But you know what….normal people that I would be interested in dating are going through the drive thru. Because it’s freakin’ 2015 and we love drive thrus.

I saw a really dreamy guy at ChickFilA. We made eye contact and smiled…but how do you approach a dude at a ChickFilA!? “Hey….those waffle fries look really hot…” NO! I hear of things like people meeting at random places such as ChickFilA, but I’m CERTAIN those are urban legends. No normal person has ever walked up to a cute guy and his friends at ChickFilA and it wasn’t the creepiest thing that ever happened.

Well kids, yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I don’t actively HATE Valentine’s Day like a lot of my single sisters. I think any day that encourages people to be nicer to each other is a good thing. But I will tell you that no matter how you look at it, when you’re single Valentine’s Day is just a really unwelcome reminder of HOW single you are. And I’m the MOST single. It’s not like I have some dudes on the back burner, I don’t have any booty calls hangin’ around, I have no one pursuing me. I am as completely and utterly single as a girl can be.

Now add some alcohol to that realization. I am the MOST single, I’m drunk, and I’m looking at my social media seeing alllllll of the roses (What is it about roses that makes girls have to immediately take a picture for Facebook!? I’m not even mad, I’m just amazed by their power.) and fancy dinners, and general coupley adorableness.

And the next thing you know I’m signing up for match.com.

I immediately regretted the decision. Within 30 seconds of me signing up I receive a message from a 47 year old balding man in BFE Missouri with the username “YourPerfectPackage” telling me he’d love to take me out. NO. No, no, no, PerfectPackage.

I just feel like if I’m not DOING something about being single…I’m going to be single forever. Clearly I don’t have the chutzpah to approach someone in the wild. I wish I was the girl urban legends were made of, but clearly I’m just not. So here I am. Still living my life with the potential of meeting someone in an adorable way at a Starbucks, but also taking it to ONE online dating apparatus to see if maybe that’s the way I should go about this. I just feel like there HAS to be a Jim to my Pam out there somewhere. And when I find him and figure out what in the fuck he has been doing for all these years I’m going to be LIT.

I got you something. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Guys. Yesterday’s post kind of blew. Somehow I gained a handful of new followers, and people liked it?? If you’re new here, welcome! Know that things will (hopefully) be better than what you saw yesterday.

After that Debbie Downer I gave y’all last night, I just felt like I should give you something to make up for it today. So, without further ado, I give you Lentil.

Lentil is a French Bulldog who was born with a cleft palate. And the love of my life.

I am obsessed with him. I can’t stop talking about him, and showing everyone I know pictures of him, and LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM. I should run his marketing campaign because I’ve single-handedly gotten him at LEAST 10 new likes on his tiny Lentil Facebook page since stumbling upon his story last week.

Like I said, you’re welcome.

Goodnight pals!!

Let us be thankful and not mad at me for sucking.

Holy Mother of Jesus. In the name of Thanksgiving and the holiday season, let us choose to be THANKFUL that I am here, writing a blog post for the first time in far too long and not talk shit on how bad I am at having a blog. Deal? Great!

It has been almost EXACTLY a month since I’ve been here, so let me just catch you up on my life right quick. A bulleted list, you say you’d like to see? Your wish is my command, friends.

  • It was Halloween. I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (Donatello. The smartest turtle. Obviously.) and my dog was a pig…in a tutu. On Halloween the roomie and I hid from trick or treaters, drank wine, ate candy, and watched Hocus Pocus. Then I had to go to bed at like 8 pm because I ate candy all day and gave myself a tummy ache. One day, I’ll be a grown up.

 

  • I got my wisdom teeth pulled. And then the next day, I got some weird stomach flu situation and threw up for a day and half. It was AWESOME.
  • Barack won the election. This made me joyful.
  • My dog turned 6. So of course I had a birthday party for her complete with all of her dog friends, decorations, party hats, a dog cake, candles, and forcing everyone to sing the happy birthday song to her. Duh.

 

  • Acted real grown and got myself a doctor this week, just because I feel like when you’re a grown up you should have one of those. Found out I am officially overweight and have a high cholesterol. I’m 26. Soooooo, that sucks.
  • It was Thanksgiving. The first without Truman’s bah humbug self. And my mom was in NC all by herself and I was here. It was kind of a sad little holiday. I spent the day with my best frienn and her family, and I’m real glad they take me in every year. Also, every time I would tell someone what an orphan I was for Thanksgiving, they would invite me to their Thanksgiving. It made me feel real popular and stuff. So that’s neat.
SHOCKED we didn’t dress like twins on Thanksgiving.

So I believe this catches you up on what’s happened around these parts. I gave myself until today to eat crappy and be a lazy bum because it was the holiday. Now I have to start eating like a real life person and going to the gym. BLAH! Here I go to the gym. I’m not happy about this, but I am doing it. No one has time for high cholesterol at 26. NO ONE!

Happy Holidays friends!!!

Crazy Dog Lady For Real

I don’t think you guys fully understand what a crazy dog lady I am. I’m legit nuts. I have really philosophical thoughts sometimes like, “What if I had a DIFFERENT dog, not THIS dog? I bet I wouldn’t love it as much…” Sometimes I look at the French Bulldog Rescue Network’s website and cry because I want all the dogs. ALL. THE. DOGS. So, in true crazy dog lady fashion, here is a look at my dog’s birthday. Photo style. (Also I’m an f’ing WordPress noob and cannot make all the pictures have captions and look right and be cool. It’s fine. Just pretend I’m fancy. I wish I wasn’t so computer stupid….)
 
 
 Happy Birthday morning to you and yours!!
 
Sophia spends a majority of her day perched right here or on the back of the other couch looking out the windows for birds, squirrels, hoodrats, empty beer bottles, etc. It’s SUPER entertaining when she finds one of these items and almost falls off the couch in excitement. So obviously, no birthday would be complete without spending some time participating in her favorite past time.
 
Shut UP and stop trying to take my picture! I’m BUSY.
 
She then snuggled up for a nap approximately 27 minutes after getting up for the day. It’s hard work stalking the neighborhood from the couch.
 
Life is hard on your birthday.

 We played for a while before I had to get ready for my job interviews. I did not photograph her favorite mutilated duck toy. It’s embarrassing.

This is my ball and you can never have it. Ever. I’ll cut you.
It was obviously nap time. Again. Seriously, homegirl has a HARD life.
 
Sunshiiiiiiine.
 
I planned to take Sopapilla on a walk  in her adorable puppy pea coat when I got back home but SOMEONE decided to poop on the floor while I was gone. Seriously, she has not had an accident in probably over a year. Today!? Really!? Because it’s her birthday she did not get beat and barely got yelled at. But she did get her Happy Birthday walk taken away. Consequences, guys. Also, I threatened to throw away her adorable birthday treats because I envision her schatting on the floor at the exact time I was buying them and laughing at me. But that PROBABLY didn’t happen. So she got to choose a treat for today and the other one is being saved for tomorrow.
Baby Angel Birthday Treats!
I choose the cupcake and will put the ENTIRE thing in my mouf so you cannot take it back, you thief.The best option is clearly to hold this entire treat in my mouth and avoid eye contact.
 
I have terrible posture and can no longer resist this cupcake's deliciousness.

 After dinner we watched last night’s episode of Up All Night. She tried to flatter me in hopes it would help me forget about her little accident. It worked.

Christina Applegate is funny AND pretty. Just like you, Mom.
Snuggles!Rub mah belly!
 
After Birthday belly rubs homie threw herself backwards and has been passed out happily in my lap ever since. Puppy birthdays are HARD ya’ll.
 
 
And I'm out.
 
Seriously, I’ve edited this 7 times. It keeps showing up right when I’m editing it but when I publish it random pictures are gone and their captions are scrunched up with other pictures. I’m about to throw my laptop into the fireplace, so this is as good as it gets folks. I am not WordPress savvy enough to make it right. BLECH!!!!