It never comes easily. And when it does I’m already gone.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Alright y’all. Let’s get real. I have an ugly, dark, dirty secret to tell you guys.

I am on the Match.com. I am online dating. AND IT F’ING SUCKS BALLS. I hate the Match. It gives me really low self-esteem (like I need help with THAT), it is full of creepy weirdo creeps, I feel like more of a perfectionist writing and rewriting my stupid profile than I’ve ever felt in my whole life ever, and I hate it. I signed up for the 3 month membership because I’m a baller on a budget and it was clearly the most fiscally responsible choice and I am counting down the days until this God awful membership expires. COUNTING. DOWN. THE. DAYS.

This secret I’m telling you just as a precursor to what I really want to talk to you about. I was quasi-dumped. Not really, real life dumped because we were just dating. But still. It happened. And it sucks. And I had a completely irrational overly emotional breakdown because of it yesterday and now I’m trying to make better life choices and pull myself together. I believe I’ve touched on some of my issues in the past but just to catch you up I’m a hot hot mess of daddy issues, abandonment issues, trust issues, and have a deep-rooted fear of commitment.

If we’re being honest I’m not upset that I’m not dating this boy anymore. I’m mostly upset by the way it all went down. I had only recently decided that I even remotely liked him. He was too short (shut it, Ella), he was not funny, and there was just no way he was going to be able to deal with me and all of this mess. After meeting him every one of my friends told me, “He’s nice! He’s not for you, but he’s nice.” For someone, somewhere, someday, he’s going to be the perfect guy. But I am not the girl. The short thing isn’t a deal breaker. I’m short. It’s fine. That one I could totally deal with. But I am FUNNY you guys. The bar is set high. And this dude had NO HOPE of keeping up. I’m not asking for someone to be as funny as I am. But I need someone to at least come close, and to have the quick wit to be able to jump in every once in a while. He did not. I also need someone who can properly deal with my bullshit. He definitely could have put up with it. But there are times when I push it just to see how far I can go with something. I am fully aware I’m doing it, and I HAVE to have someone who will call me out on it at a certain point or it won’t end well. He never would have, and I would have taken FULL advantage of that fact. Like I said, he wasn’t the one for me. I know this. I’m not upset I’m not with HIM anymore.

I am a hot mess. I think we’ve covered this. I like to be in control and have the upper hand in a relationship. The fact that this bro decided HE was done talking to ME sent me over the edge a little. Also, that he was not grown enough to TELL ME he was done talking to me and just stopped responding to any attempts I made to contact him for over a week make him a small tiny little man who I have no interest in dating, but that is neither here nor there. Not responding to any of my texts for a week, then responding to my f off, I’m done, you’re not acting like a grown up email within 20 minutes was completely absurd. The fact that his reason for not wanting to date me was that he felt un-included around my friends caused me RAGE. All of these emotions along with the issues I touched on earlier and my need for control in a relationship just sent me into a downward emotional spiral that lasted all day yesterday.

And it got to last all day yesterday. But that is IT. I am having no more emotional breakdowns over this. I allowed this DUDE, that I fully realize was kind of a waste of my time, to be this toxic THING in my life all week last week while I stressed out over him not calling, or texting, or wanting to hang out with me. THEN I let him be the reason I spent all day yesterday crying like an emotional train wreck, eating my feelings, and drinking wine. WTF!? I have a GOOD LIFE. I fully realize that, and I’m not going to let some boy turn me into a disaster and make me forget that.

I need to remember this more often.

I got up this morning ready to do me. Put myself together (except for wearing my glasses…crying for a full day is not great for the contact situation) and wore a sparkly new outfit to work. I’m going to seriously work on blogging on a more regular basis because I really do enjoy it. I need some type of “boys suck” change to my appearance, my only thought thus far has been changing my nose ring from a stud to a hoop, any other suggestions are welcome. I’m going to the gym after work today, followed by grocery shopping for healthy foods and picking up Christmas cards. I plan to go home and do a little self-improvement tonight. All forward motion!!

So that’s my story. Match sucks, I have far too many issues to work out on this blog, and I dated a silly little boy for longer than I ever should have. Tomorrow will be less woe is me, more picturey, and FAR less wordy. Thanks for listening friends.

I don’t completely suck at life. So this is an improvement.

Hey ya’ll! Just wanted to stop by before we got a month in and I forget about you again. Still sorry about that, btw. I have abandonment issues. I understand how hard this must be for you guys. I’ll do better. Pinky swear.

So, I went to the gym Friday. Ate really well. Was basically awesome at the living.

Got up early Saturday and went to the gym before binge drinking and going to a wedding. Did not eat healthy in any way. Drank enough calories for probably 6 people. I’m not calling this a failure because I want to reiterate to you I GOT UP EARLY AND WENT TO THE GYM. That’s like a miracle from bebe Jesus!! F off haters, I’m proud.

Sunday I was literally the most worthless human on this planet. Spent A LOT of time laying in my bed. Did manage to make it to the grocery store to get healthy groceries for the week. Then stopped at Taco Bell for dinner on the way home. You win some, you lose some. I lost this one…

 

Today I was AWESOME at life. Got up on time. Ate healthy all day. Went to the gym after work. I may have accidentally gotten Jimmy John’s for dinner instead of making something homemade and healthy like I was supposed to, but I was still WELL within my calories for the day, so I just can’t even be mad about that. My bag is already all packed for the gym tomorrow. I’m putting buffalo chicken chili in the crock pot before I leave for work. I’m awesome at being awesome.

So, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got for you. Nothing exciting in any way. But I needed you to know I didn’t forget about you. Also, I’m working on a post that may become a series of posts on how to be a mother f’ing lady. That’s right. Because I know about those things. And I wish to pass my wisdom on to you. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Happy Monday friends. See you soon!

Weekend recapppppp. Fun+lazy=YES.

Hi friends! Just wanted to swing by and say ‘ello. Catch you up on my life, see what’s going on with ya’ll. I had a pretty glorious weekend…a nice little mix of fun and sitting on my ass doing nothinnnnnng.

Friday night was Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean. It did NOT disappoint. I’ve got the sads summer country concerts are over. Hurts my heart a bit.

Saturday I was awoken bright and early by the worst charlie horse OF. MY. LIFE. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep, which made me INCREDIBLY sad. Hung out on my couch with a scoche of a hangover until noon, then got up and went wedding dress shopping with the roomie. Came home, got myself together and went to go see my child-friend Braden, then headed out for a girls night with my high school palskis. Saw Possession. I love fall and I love scary movies. Good night.

Saw this gorgeous sunset while we waited for a table at dinner. Sometimes life is pretty.

This morning there were no charlie horses in sight, so I slept in then got up and started laundry and picked up around the apartment. Had a bit of a health scare with my cousin’s mom (FYI…my family is weird. My mom is an only child, but my Grandma had 13 brothers and sisters so I have about one billion second cousins and what not. I also have some of my mom’s friends and some of her cousins who I call aunts. It’s all very confusing. Don’t try to understand when I discuss family members.), who is still not out of the woods, so if you guys could keep her in your thoughts or prayers or whatever you happen to believe in, that would be really great.

I think I’ve got it together to have a good, healthy week this week. House is clean. Laundry is done and put away. Healthy groceries are purchased, and meals are planned. Workouts are scheduled for the week and clothes will be set out before I leave for work every morning. I’ve got a good feeling about me getting my life together again this week. LET’S DO THIS!!!

Baby Angel helped fold and put away laundry.

How were your weekends, friends? Anyone do anything fun they want to share with the group?

Hope everyone has a glorious week!

“If you don’t like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.”

Time to make some changes. I AM NOT A TREE.

So here’s the deal ya’ll, if I am remotely stressed or busy or my days are jacked up and I’m not able to stick to a steady routine for whatever reason, I tend to say f it and start shoving shitty food in my mouth and forget what exercise even is. I recognize this is straight BS and if broads like this hottie can seem to figure it out with two chillruns, while working full-time, having a husband, and looking good, I need to man up and shove the excuses. Let me just tell you my excuses though! Last week I didn’t work on Monday-Routine messed up. Worked late Tuesday-Not in my normal routine. Went to a Cardinals game Wednesday-How do I make this part of my routine!? Unexpectedly got peer pressured into drinking on Thursday-I REALLY did try to get my life together on Thursday, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You’ll have that. By Friday I was just done with the week and didn’t even make any attempts at being a healthy individual. Yesterday I ate shit and accidentally got day drunk and by last night the entire week caught up to me and I was ILL. I haven’t felt that sick in a long time and it was MISERABLE.

No, KAREN. I’m SICK.

Today I did not eat until 1 PM because I was still so full and sick from yesterday. (And maybe the entire week of food I couldn’t stop shoveling into my face hole? Maybe?) I cannot drink enough water. I went grocery shopping and am now loaded up on healthy things to nom on this week. I have a healthy potato soup cooking in the crock pot for dinner.  As soon as I hit publish on this post I’m taking my dog friend for a long walk. Laundry is done for the week and just needs to be put away. Progress, my friends. Progress.

I know going into this week there are going to be some challenges sticking to my eating well and working out regularly-two concerts and sand volleyball is on the schedule already, who knows what will pop up to mess up my plans mid-week. But I feel like knowing what I’m up against and going into this week prepared is putting me in a position to be successful. Not to mention I am spending Friday evening with Luke Bryan, who GOD BLESS IT, is good-looking. So clearly I need to look my best.

Have a great week friends! I’ll keep you updated on how great I’m doing at life.

Why don’t people talk about how awesome Amy Poehler is more?

Happy hump day ya’ll. This week is friggin’ CRAWWWWWLING by. It is finally halfway over and I am ecstatic.

Quick updates:

  • 30 Day Shred last night with the roomster. That bitch Jillian Michaels started skipping halfway through, which was the perfect opportunity to bow out, but instead I blew on that DVD Super Nintendo style and finished the workout. Got so sweaty it was disgusting. Jillian tells me sweat is fat crying. I believe her. Mostly because I’m scared of her.
  • Did not make my healthy lasagnas for dinner because I didn’t have eggs, but DID make Cajun chicken pasta which I healthified by using half the butter and removing the heavy cream and using nonfat milk instead. HEALTHY LIVING WIN!

In current news, my whole “I don’t drink during the week! I’m SO HEALTHY IT’S AWESOME!” BS is out the window. I play sand volleyball every Wednesday.  At a bar. Drinking is going to happen. This I accept. To even this out, I am eating superbly healthy and have already factored my beers into my calories for the day. Also, I’m running when I get home before eating my healthy dinner and beginning drinking to burn some extra cals. GOD, I’M AWESOME.

On Wednesdays, we drink beer.

Also, opted for 15 minutes of extra sleep instead of washing my hairs this morning. Teased the f out of it to disguise the dirt. Once again I want to reiterate how BOMBASS at life I am.

Now stop trying to make fetch happen. It’s not going to happen.

 

Gooooo tell it on the mooooountainnnn. (Sometimes weird things come out that make it clear I went to private church school for too much of my life. This title is one of those times.)

What is up you guys!? Just stopping by for the THIRD day in a row (not to toot my own horn or anything, but that’s pretty bombass of me) to say ‘ello and I hope you’re have a fantastical Tuesday.

I ran last night. It was hot as balls out, but it didn’t go as poorly as I expected it to and I felt pretty good about myself after I was done. So there’s that.

Ate a stupid, healthy, boring lunch again today. I recognize my tone may not make this come across as a victory, but it was. Healthy boring lunches are stupid and dull, but hopefully they make my pants fit better. Because if they don’t you better BELIEVE I’m back to eating buffalo chicken wraps and cheese for lunch everyday.

Tonight I’m making this delicious AND healthy lasagna for dinner and 30 Day Shredding while it bakes. Then I plan to plant my ass on the couch and watch Pretty Little Liars and the latest disc of True Blood that Netflix sent to me. Productivity+laziness=perfection.

NOMS.

I’m feeling pretty good about life kids. I’m totes becoming all kinds of healthy and active. I’m a little bit less of an alcoholic already. I feel like my life is in order. Basically, I just want you all to tell me how bomb I am. Annnnnnd go!

Also, tell me how pretty my sparkly nail polish is.

Then go and tell Eleanor that it’s fine I blog at work sometimes.

Day 1 of being AWESOME at life is in full swing.

Holllllllller.

A. Let’s talk about how I’m posting TWO DAYS IN A ROW. It’s a miracle from little teensy babay Jesus and you should all thank him.

B. My ass did NOT go out to lunch today, even though people were going somewhere with an AMAZEBALLS buffalo chicken wrap, which is basically my kryptonite. Instead I ate my healthy little weight watchers meal and yogurt and cried really sad fat girl tears all alone in the lunch room. Sacrifices.

C. Although the majority of my day is really letting my awesomeness shine, I’ll be honest and tell you I did not get up and run this morning as planned. I actually decided getting up at all was completely overrated and turned off all my alarms in my sleep. (I have 3 alarms because I’m the best sleeper in the WORLD.) Luckily I happened to wake up on my own with JUST enough time to shower and make myself look like a human and leave for work RIGHT on time. Then I sat in traffic for ONE HOUR AND SEVENTEEN MINUTES. Not fun. Not fun at all. But, back in the land of awesome, I AM running when I get home tonight. My clothes are all ready to go (conveniently waiting from when I was supposedly going to be wearing them at 6 am today) and I am going to immediately change and be out the door upon my arrival home from work. I know the deal. If I sit down, it’s all over.

That’s really all I’ve got for you. Other than the fact my phone erased ALL of my text messages from forever today, and I’m pretty heartbroken about it. There was a lot of good stuff in there and now it’s just gone. And the only texts I have currently are from Twitter (spam.) and my roommate talking about beer (obviously.). Makes me feel like a real big loser.

I’m making you accountable for holding me accountable for my actions.

Today was a CLUSTER. Work is a hot mess. Like, I’m so busy that I find myself forgetting to drink aqua and take 2.5 seconds to go to the bathroom. It’s a disaster. So instead of dealing with it like a normal human being I get STRESSED which then results in me eating a holy mother of Mexican for lunch, downing Coke like that’s my job, and immediately pouring a glass of vino when I get home. THIS. IS. NOT. OKAY.

So, tomorrow I’m getting my shit together. I’m getting up and running before work so that those happy endorphins can carry me through my day. I have everything I’m going to eat planned that will result in me staying within my calories, fat, and carbs for the day with a bonus of me also getting as much protein as I’m supposed to eat. (Is it stupid hard for anyone else to eat enough protein everyday?? No? Just me? Cool.) So anyway. I’m just telling you guys because it makes me feel like I have to do it. And also I have to do it because my roommate doesn’t believe I will and I get no greater satisfaction in life than I do from proving people wrong.

I have to go watch New Girl now and then I have to immediately go to sleep so I can be well rested and get up bright and early to begin my day of AWESOME. K. Bye.

 

Yeah, it’s been almost a month. I don’t want to hear it. Just enjoy my presence!

Remember when I blogged? So do I. Vaguely. Verrrrry vaguely.

Alright, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been here so let me just give you a quick rundown on my life, then we can all move on like my month-long hiatus never happened, cool? Great.

  • I moved. It’s been fantastic. Kayla and I are bombass roommates, always have been. It’s AMAZING to live in a clean, smoke free environment where you’re not constantly concerned about smoking+oxygen tanks resulting in your dog, grandfather, home, and earthly belongings being blown up. Seriously. Amazing. Clearly Sophia is having a really tough time with the move. Her life is incredibly hard.

 

  • I’m putting a pretty legitimate effort into being a physically fit human being. I’ve started doing Couch to 5k…again. Last week I worked out every day but Friday, and that was because I was resting for a 5 mile St. Patty’s Day run on Saturday. (Okay, I walked it. But still. I got up and walked 5 miles Saturday morning and that is impressive. Shut it.) So yeah. I’m really planning to actually COMPLETE Couch to 5k this go around. That will be a first. And my goal is to actually RUN the St. Patty’s Day run next year. I’ll let you know how that goes.
  • I’m also attempting to put some effort into my appearance. (Fun fact-It just took me 8 attempts to type the word appearance correctly. I SWEAR to you I’m becoming more stupid on a daily basis. It started around the middle of last week that I noticed my loss of brain cells and it’s just been downhill ever since. I’m seriously concerned about my intelligence or lack thereof.) Anyway, last Friday after work I went to dinner with the roomie and came home and happened to glance in the mirror at myself and I was HORRIFIED. I was the straight up definition of homely. My clothes were frumpy as hell and ill-fitting. I had on ZERO makeup and honestly could not have even told you the last time I had put any on. I also could not have told you the last time I took the time to blow dry my hair. I was in quite the routine of letting it air dry over night and putting it on top my head. This is not attractive. So last week I made an effort to get up and put on a legitimate outfit and wear make up to work everyday. I manned up and faced my phobia of eyes to go to the eye doctor on Friday to get new contacts. I got my pasty ass a spray tan. I went shopping this weekend for the first time in I seriously can not tell you how long and got some nice wardrobe updates. I feel operation “No One Likes a Homely Broad” is going well. I’ll be sure to keep you informed on the progress.
  • I’m old. I’m so old I couldn’t even stay downtown after the run yesterday to day drink and act like an idiot. I was tired and EVERYONE annoyed me. I happily came home, watched some Bravo, and went to the mall. I’m not even mad at it. Just old.

And that’s my life. Aren’t you glad I came back to share it with you?? Wasn’t that so exciting that you don’t even know what to do with yourself?? I know. You’re welcome. See ya soon. Promise.