I’m back to make you feel better about your own disaster of a life!

Oh hey there pals. Long time no see. Sorry for my absence in the last week, I started my new job and I’ve been trying to get myself back into the working world. I knew it would be rough getting back into the swing of things, but seriously, it. was. ROUGH.

I was unemployed for exactly two months, which means that I had two months of getting up whenever I was inclined, hanging out at home with my dog friend everyday, wandering into the kitchen and eating whenever I felt like it, etc. Getting myself back on a schedule of going to bed at a decent time and waking up at a decent time was a STRUGGLE this past week. Add in having to get all my food ready to have breakfast before heading out the door, have a lunch packed for work, and have an idea of what to make for dinner when I got home and was tired and cranky and in no mood to cook, and I had a tough week. Then add in the stress of trying to learn a completely new job and the fact that I got sick starting Thursday afternoon on top of all that and it’s just not been the best week of my life. I am FULLY aware that this is something most people do all the time and until 2 months ago it was something I did all the time. I’m simply voicing to you all how hard it is to jump back into it after a two month absence.

I have spent the entire weekend in a Tylenol Cold haze, chugging water and OJ, snuggling on my couch with my baby angel dog friend watching a bombass show NBC canceled after one season called Mercy. Thanks again, Hulu. Also, the season ended with a cliffhanger and I will never know who lives and who dies. Excellent.

I woke up today feeling a little less like death. I’m still drugging myself up and hydrating like I live in a desert in hopes that tomorrow I will be back to feeling 100% like a normal human being.

I’m also going to spend today making some lists (LOVE lists) and doing some planning and organizing in hopes of getting myself into a better routine to make my life as a working woman less stressful. (HA. I just called myself a working woman and legit lol’ed.)

So, that’s what you’ve missed in my absence. Me whining a lot about normal everyday things that millions of people have the time management skills to deal with on a daily basis. Don’t you wish I never came back sometimes?? Ha. Yeah right. I make you feel better about your own hot mess of a life. And for that, my friends, you are welcome. See ya on the flip side.

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Christmas miracles!!! And stuff.

Holla! I have so much to tell you guys.

In typical Truman fashion, my Grandpa decided Monday, out of the blue, that he in fact WOULD like to travel to North Carolina for Christmas this year. I have been preaching for months now about how we should do WHATEVER TDog wants for Christmas, because who knows how many more we’re going to get to have him around for. Seriously, PREACHING this shit. It was obnoxious. So, I have spent the last few days getting everything figured out for us to head out there. Tomorrow morning we are heading South for the holiday. That’s right…I will be spending 10 LONG hours in a Cavalier with Truman tomorrow. Prayers for everyone to arrive safe and sane are appreciated.

And in OTHER news, I got a job offer today!!! It’s a Christmas miracle!!! I’m going to make trains! Okay, fine, I’m going to be an admin assistant. But it’s AT A PLACE WHERE THEY MAKE TRAINS!! I’m so f’ing happy it’s dumb. Being unemployed sucks dick.

Here’s the deal guys, 2011 has been QUITE a year for me. Parts really good and parts REALLY bad. I moved back to Illinois from North Carolina, worked a crappy job with a crappy commute that I hated, my car was a broken piece for a hot minute, I got a job that I honestly liked, dealt with Pastor Man dramatics, fell even more in love with my bombass friends (which I didn’t even think was possible), took care of Truman, lost my job, dealt with family dramatics, and here we are.

Honestly I feel like things are coming together. Although we still have our issues, I’m stoked I’m going to be spending Christmas in NC with my family the way it’s supposed to be instead of here alone with TDog trying to make things festive and having his Grumpasaurus self bringing me down all day and focusing all my energy on not having a festive Christmas nervous breakdown. I get to go to NC for a week without the pressure of trying to find a job while I’m there. I get a full week to spend with Rico Suave (my mom’s dog. He. Is. AMAZING.), relax, eat enough food to last me all of next year, and just chill. I don’t have to spend Christmas away from my momma for the first time ever. I like this.

Then I get to come home and spend New Years Eve with my friends. Not all of them, it makes me sad that we’re getting older and can’t all spend NYE together anymore, but I’ll get to celebrate with at least some of my favorite people, which is good enough for me. Then I start 2012 with a brand new job. Basically, life is good.

Christmas miracles all around!! I’ll let you kids know if we all arrive in Asheville alive tomorrow. Seriously, I’m not even joking, pray for me. Truman and I almost kill each other if we spend too much time in this large house with separate rooms together. An entire day smushed in a car together could end TERRIBLY. Lord, hear our prayer.

Lock. It. Up.

Who likes the new look of the blog!? If you say you don’t you’re dumb. It’s obviously better. There are more pictures of me. And my precious baby angel dog. And wine. All of these things result in more awesomeness. Duh.

I haven’t written anything in a few days because I’m off my game. I’ve been unemployed for almost a month and the funk is settling in in full force. Like, I feel like there are dementors around all the time. I’m just cold and got the sads in a major way. Sadly, no one is kissing me though. I’d even accept a dementor kiss at this point. Yikes. What has my life come to??

Anyway, last night when I was going to bed I said to myself, “Kyle, (that’s what I call myself) you’re a mess. You need to lock it up.” (Thanks for bringing that Boy Meets World memory back so I could make use of it KT.) Also, in completely unrelated news to me locking it up, one of my newest life goals is to get myself a buttload of dogs that represent every character from Boy Meets World. I just thought you should know.

So, as I was saying, I’m locking it up. I got up this morning, took a shower and put on an actual outfit that does NOT include Victoria’s Secret sweatpants for the first time in a hot minute. Took my ass away from the couch where it was beginning to make a permanent indention and have set up job search central at the kitchen table, where I’m actually sitting up like a real life person instead of reclining on the couch with my fave blanket in my pajamas with greasy ass hair. I’m clean. I’m dressed. I’m upright. This is serious.

I’ve decided the best way to go about this is to get my lazy ass into a routine, kind of like I have a job. Only instead of going to work and making money I’ll be at my kitchen table making ZERO dollars. Whatevs. It’s all about perspective. And if my perspective didn’t change in a hurry I was going to merge into the couch and no one was ever going to see me again and it would have been very sad.

Alright, my self imposed lunch break is over. Back to sending out resumes. Have I told you guys how AWESOME it is to send out resumes all day!? PUKE.

If you don’t hear from me soon, check the couch. Adios!

I’m a domestic goddess.

Hey friends. Does anyone have an independently wealthy man friend they’d like to send my way to support me for the rest of my days?? I mean, I don’t know why they have to be independently wealthy…they can be hard-working. As long as the dollars are rollin’ in, know what I mean?

Today I discovered I would be an AWESOME house wife. Last week was my first week of being unemployed and I basically just pouted and moped around and stuff. I quickly realized I was going to be just a hot mess if I kept that shit up. So this week we’re getting serious. Game face.

 Today I got up bright and early, popped in a load of laundry, worked out, made a delicious breakfast, cleaned the house, sent out a bunch of resumes, went to the grocery store, sent out more resumes, made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen AGAIN, and now I’m blogging. Boom. I’m awesome at life. If I could just find someone to finance this way of life, I’d be set. I used to believe I wouldn’t be able to not work because I would get bored out of my mind-not so, my friends. Let me tell you why.

If there is money rollin’ in from another source, I won’t get bored. I can go shopping with said money. I can use my personal Big Poppa’s dollars to join a gym and work on my fitness to ensure my hot trophy wife status. I can go on lunch dates with my fellow rich bitch friends. (I’m assuming that those just come with my new wealthy man friend. Is this not how it works?) I already volunteer, but without having to spend my days sending out those pesky resumes and going on job interviews and stuff I could volunteer even MORE. The world would be a better place. You’re welcome world. I’m just lookin’ out.

So, moral of this story, I need everyone to be on the look out for high rollers with empty ring fingers and send them all my direction. It’s not just for me, guys, it’s for the WORLD.

The charade is over.

Guys. I’m a mess. Like mentally I’m just fucked up currently. It’s basically your quintessential quarter life crisis. Everyone I know has started their career and they’re in relationships, or meeting people, or getting married, or having kids. And I’m not. Doing ANY of that. I am unemployed, AGAIN. Have no idea what I want to do with my life and will most likely die alone, as a crazy dog lady.

I gave myself this weekend to wallow in my misery. Only leaving my house to go and meet this little nugget.

Let’s take it back a little. I’ve said basically since I can remember that I do not want kids. I do not like them, I do not want them, no. Then things starting going downhill.

My friend Bacon had a baby. He. Is. AWESOME. I thought he was just going to be the exception to the rule and would be the one tiny human that I could be cool with. We were pretty tight. We hung out regularly, I talked to him like a normal human because I have no idea how to talk to children in appropriate child-like ways, I would even share my queso rice with him at the Mexican restaurant-THAT’S a big deal. It was cool because Eli was seriously cool. So I accepted that I would be homies with one child in my life.

Well then this summer another one of my amigos procreated. I went to see baby Georgia the day she got home from the hospital. She was the newest person I had ever met and I LOVED her. She was amazing. I left their apartment and told my best friend, “I could have one of those one day.” WHAT!? This sent me into a week-long identity crisis. WHO AM I!? I am not the girl who thinks she could have one of those one day. I don’t EVER want one of THOSE. That’s who I am. The girl who doesn’t like kids. Shit. Identity=Ruined.

I hadn’t really thought much about the entire situation until recently. My friend Lauren, one of my best friends since HIGH SCHOOL and her husband, who I’ve known since KINDERGARTEN were having a babay.

A few things here….a. When did we get old enough that people were legitimately married and had jobs and a house and it wasn’t a huge scandal for them to be knocked up?? Like, this kid is totally not a bastard in any way and I’m baffled by it. b. Seriously, how did we get this old?

Anyway, in the last few weeks my days have almost always involved checking in to find out the progress on our little bundle of joy and his mom. She was SO ready for him to get here, and so was I because I felt miserable for her. Then, on Friday, he was here. Holy. Shit. Lauren and Ryan have a BABY. So Saturday I drug myself from my hole of “woe is me” and went to meet my new little friend.

You guys. He. Is. Perfect. Seriously, I fell in love immediately. He’s so soft and his ears are so teensy and he has such tiny little old man hands. I just love him. (Sidenote-I think you should all know that I had a typo there and originally wrote ,”I love me.” Arrogant much? What an asshole.)

The moral of this story? I think it’s time to suck it up and openly admit to the world that I LIKE BABIES. My entire persona has been ruined and I have to figure out a new one now. But at least I’ve finally admitted it.

I AM A BABY PERSON.

Stupid.

Holy jobs, Batman.

Hiya.

So, fun fact-I will be unemployed as of next Friday. I’m currently alternating between FREAKING. OUT. about this. And feeling like everything really DOES happen for a reason so something good HAS to come out of this.

Here’s the thing. I’ve had a lot of jobs. Like, more jobs than any person really should in their entire lifetime. I am only 25. Okay, seriously, I don’t think you get it. Here’s a list:

EDIT: There used to be a list here then I realized for multiple reasons that was stupid. A. I’m trying to find a new job, maybe don’t list ALL of my previous employers on the internet. B. There are stalkers out there bro, and I’m not trying to get abducted outside my office.

TWENTY ONE! That’s even more than I thought it was!! Holy SHIZ. That is ridiculous.

 Granted, some of them were short-lived. VERY short-lived. For example, Chili’s. I decided I should be a server and make some fat cash. Applied at the new Chili’s that had just opened. Showed up my first day as a server. Ever. First day being a server EVER in my life. Was told to make the tea. Okay. I’ve got this. It’s tea! Can’t be that hard! WRONG. I JACKED the tea up somehow and everyone was SO. MAD. All these people were just running around YELLING about the tea being bad, and asking WHO was responsible for this travesty!? Best believe I kept my mouth SHUT and hid until it was time to go home. And then I may or may not have never returned because I was so ashamed. About two years later my mom wanted to go there for dinner. Nope. Haven’t been back since.

I’ve gotten off track. ANYWAY, I’m about to be unemployed again. I don’t want to keep working random jobs. I’m SO over it. I want to start a career. Something I love doing, that I’m passionate about. Something that I can see myself doing in the long run. So, I’m now accepting applications for a sugar daddy. HA! Kidding. Kind of. No, really, kidding.

This time I’m going to do it right. I’m taking my time and looking for a job that I’ll love. That can maybe last for more than 2 years? That would be ideal.  I’ve really liked my time working in a non-profit so I’m starting there. I found a position with a publishing company and I think I would really like that. I’m not just going to apply for every job opening I see just to get myself a job. Been there, done that. And it has resulted in TWENTY ONE jobs. BAH!

So wish me luck. If you know of any openings in the St. Louis area you think would work for me, holler. And send all sugar daddy applications to my email directly.