I’m Weak.

Right after the New Year I decided I was going to take myself off all the dating sites. And then realized I was on them ALL. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony….I had a profile on FIVE dating apparatuses and not one single date. It was time-consuming, and I was getting nothing out of it. So I decided I was deleting all of them, living my life, and I was going to meet someone out in the wild. People did it forever. Like, ten years ago people were almost exclusively meeting each other and falling in love out in the real world. It HAS to still be possible. And I was going to do it.

I started getting out of my car and going INTO Starbucks to get my morning coffee. Maybe I’ll meet someone in an adorable way in a Starbucks!! But you know what….normal people that I would be interested in dating are going through the drive thru. Because it’s freakin’ 2015 and we love drive thrus.

I saw a really dreamy guy at ChickFilA. We made eye contact and smiled…but how do you approach a dude at a ChickFilA!? “Hey….those waffle fries look really hot…” NO! I hear of things like people meeting at random places such as ChickFilA, but I’m CERTAIN those are urban legends. No normal person has ever walked up to a cute guy and his friends at ChickFilA and it wasn’t the creepiest thing that ever happened.

Well kids, yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I don’t actively HATE Valentine’s Day like a lot of my single sisters. I think any day that encourages people to be nicer to each other is a good thing. But I will tell you that no matter how you look at it, when you’re single Valentine’s Day is just a really unwelcome reminder of HOW single you are. And I’m the MOST single. It’s not like I have some dudes on the back burner, I don’t have any booty calls hangin’ around, I have no one pursuing me. I am as completely and utterly single as a girl can be.

Now add some alcohol to that realization. I am the MOST single, I’m drunk, and I’m looking at my social media seeing alllllll of the roses (What is it about roses that makes girls have to immediately take a picture for Facebook!? I’m not even mad, I’m just amazed by their power.) and fancy dinners, and general coupley adorableness.

And the next thing you know I’m signing up for match.com.

I immediately regretted the decision. Within 30 seconds of me signing up I receive a message from a 47 year old balding man in BFE Missouri with the username “YourPerfectPackage” telling me he’d love to take me out. NO. No, no, no, PerfectPackage.

I just feel like if I’m not DOING something about being single…I’m going to be single forever. Clearly I don’t have the chutzpah to approach someone in the wild. I wish I was the girl urban legends were made of, but clearly I’m just not. So here I am. Still living my life with the potential of meeting someone in an adorable way at a Starbucks, but also taking it to ONE online dating apparatus to see if maybe that’s the way I should go about this. I just feel like there HAS to be a Jim to my Pam out there somewhere. And when I find him and figure out what in the fuck he has been doing for all these years I’m going to be LIT.

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15 Thing Friday

1. SNOW DAY!!!!!!!

2. Since starting my new position at work, I have not been in the office a single Friday. I am in NO WAY upset about this. I think I may make it a goal of mine to keep this trend going and see how long I can make it. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

3. I have to move. Next weekend. I knew moving was a possibility, but it’s happened a lot quicker than anticipated. I have not packed a SINGLE thing. In fact, this house is a disaster. Whoops.

4. You’re welcome. http://www.buzzfeed.com/chelseamarshall/the-most-awkward-dogs-of-2013

This guy who doesn't care if you think he's being "rude" or "awkward."

5.  Who watched the Sound of Music last night?? I LOVE Carrie. She is flawless. But YIKES. I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen the movie or the musical, so I have nothing to compare it to. But that was BAD.

6.  I’m in the middle of the 10 day Advocare cleanse. I’m not eating clean like I’m supposed to….but the Advocare girl I work with said that’s fine. I feel lighter. It may be because I was literally eating around 5000 calories a day, and now I’m eating around 1500. But still. I feel good. The fiber drink is DISGUSTING. And the herbal cleanse pills I have to take at night smell AWFUL. But it’s really not bad. I recommend it. You’ll feel lighter.

7. This kitten is wearing underwear. (Thanks Ella!)

8. I’ve recently and inexplicably become obsessed with Courtney Kerr. Overly excited about her new show.

9. At first I planned to do laundry and start packing today. Then I realized that is NOT what snow days are about. So I’ve caught up on my programs, snuggled up on the couch, and ate pizza (all while “working” from home, obviously). I can pack all weekend. Whatevs.

10. Tinder is getting creepier and creepier. So there’s that.

11. I’m also obsessed with Amy Poehler. OBSESSED.

12. I made it through 11 things without apologizing for being so bad at blogging and being absent for so long. But now the guilt has gotten to me. I’M SORRY!

13. I’m really torn between wanting to make myself look really pretty and go out and get roaring drunk tonight, and refusing to change out of my pajamas and staying on my couch ALLLLLLL day & night. Life is full of so many hard decisions.

14. My dog is the most adorable thing in the whole world.

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15. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND MY FRIENDS!!!!

15 Thing Friday

This was drafted yesterday and apparently I forgot to post it. WHOOPS. 15 Thing Saturday. WHATEVS.

1. This. Tonight. I CANNOT WAIT.

2. This week seemed to go on forever, yes? Could not be happier to have FINALLY made it to Friday.

3.  GUYS. Next week is THANKSGIVING. What!?

4. Because next week is Thanksgiving I get to head to Tennessee to hang out with my best friend and then North Carolina to see my MOMMA next week!!! I’m so excited!!

5. Watched this video before I got out of bed yesterday. Starting your day BAWLING is exactly the way to do it.

6. Watched THIS video when I got home from work yesterday. ALSO ended in me bawling. And I don’t have kids. And I don’t think it’s supposed to make me sad. I have ALL. THE. FEELS.

7. I love Jennifer Lawrence.

8. I’ve gotten to work from home the last two Friday mornings. I cannot tell you how bombass this is. Working while laying in my bed in pajamas is EXPONENTIALLY better than doing the exact same work dressed and in the office.

9. David Freese is leaving. Thank God. SEEEE YA!!!

10. My dog turned 7 last weekend. I was kind of a wreck and forgot to throw her a birthday party. Reason 4 million that I’m not ready to have actual children.

11. Have I ever mentioned how hard it is to come up with FIFTEEN things to tell you guys!? It’s really hard.

12. I know I mentioned I made banana bread earlier this week. I’ve been just grabbing a slice and heading out the door. Today I warmed it up and put some almond butter on it and it was THE BEST THING EVER. I only have one slice left. WHY did it take me this long to make it this delicious!? I suck.

13. I have not worked out once this week. So that’s a big fat fail.

14. I’m out of things to talk to you about. Enjoy this shirtless Tim Riggins photo.Tim Riggins 6

15.  TEAM GALE.

I got you something. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Guys. Yesterday’s post kind of blew. Somehow I gained a handful of new followers, and people liked it?? If you’re new here, welcome! Know that things will (hopefully) be better than what you saw yesterday.

After that Debbie Downer I gave y’all last night, I just felt like I should give you something to make up for it today. So, without further ado, I give you Lentil.

Lentil is a French Bulldog who was born with a cleft palate. And the love of my life.

I am obsessed with him. I can’t stop talking about him, and showing everyone I know pictures of him, and LOVING EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM. I should run his marketing campaign because I’ve single-handedly gotten him at LEAST 10 new likes on his tiny Lentil Facebook page since stumbling upon his story last week.

Like I said, you’re welcome.

Goodnight pals!!

It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with, it’s who you want to spend all day Saturday with. (But I’d also prefer to stop spending Friday nights alone…)

I feel like I flippantly refer to my mental instability and belief I’m going to die alone around here on a pretty regular basis and ya’ll probably deserve a little bit more information about this.

So, here’s the deal. a. I’m mentally unstable. and b. I believe I’m going to die alone as a crazy dog lady. There ya go. HA.

No, but for real. I genuinely love my life. I’ve really gotten my shit together in the last year, and I’m happy with the way things are going. But about once a month (PMSing is AWESOME) if I happen to be left alone, I get in my own head a little too much and recently this has resulted in me having a few emotional breakdowns and crying for approximately 5-7 hours.

I truly don’t think I’m going to die alone. Deep down I honestly do believe that someday I am going to find some idiot who won’t completely annoy me and I will sucker him into thinking I’m not completely crazy, obnoxious, and douchey and convince him he wishes to spend the rest of his days with me. And we will live happily ever after. It just starts to be a little much for me when I’m sitting at home alone on a Friday night watching romantic comedies and I start thinking about how I am seriously one of the ONLY single people I know, ya know?

SHUT UP, Katherine Heigl, you stupid liar!!

Patience, I hear, is a virtue. I wouldn’t know because I don’t have any. I want what I want and I want it IMMEDIATELY. (Only child syndrome?? Noooooo….) I will be the first person to tell you that up until recently I was absolutely not in any place to be in any type of serious relationship. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing with my life. In the last year I have grown up TREMENDOUSLY and have figured a lot of those things out. And I really honestly believe that figuring all that out has put me in a place that makes me ready to actually meet someone. So, I cannot fathom why said person has not immediately shown up in my life, at the exact moment I became ready for him? It does not make sense.

If you tell me that I’m too picky, and I find something wrong with everyone I ever meet in life, and that I’m loveable but don’t want to love anyone because of said ability to find something wrong with everyone, or anything along any of those lines, I’ma shank you. Shut up. Not even true. No one is even showing an interest in me to give me the chance to find a minuscule thing about them that annoys me and completely blow it out of proportion, so shut your face hole.

So anyway, I’m single and ready to mingle. I’m sure after this rant you’re all going to be lining UP to set your friends up with me. Here’s the deal, I’m looking for someone who looks like Ryan Gosling, has a fabulous sense of humor, finds me f’ing hysterical, and is incredibly wealthy so I can spend the rest of my days as his trophy wife. I don’t think this is asking too much.

I kid, I kid. But seriously, if you know someone, HOLLER.

Crazy Dog Lady For Real

I don’t think you guys fully understand what a crazy dog lady I am. I’m legit nuts. I have really philosophical thoughts sometimes like, “What if I had a DIFFERENT dog, not THIS dog? I bet I wouldn’t love it as much…” Sometimes I look at the French Bulldog Rescue Network’s website and cry because I want all the dogs. ALL. THE. DOGS. So, in true crazy dog lady fashion, here is a look at my dog’s birthday. Photo style. (Also I’m an f’ing WordPress noob and cannot make all the pictures have captions and look right and be cool. It’s fine. Just pretend I’m fancy. I wish I wasn’t so computer stupid….)
 
 
 Happy Birthday morning to you and yours!!
 
Sophia spends a majority of her day perched right here or on the back of the other couch looking out the windows for birds, squirrels, hoodrats, empty beer bottles, etc. It’s SUPER entertaining when she finds one of these items and almost falls off the couch in excitement. So obviously, no birthday would be complete without spending some time participating in her favorite past time.
 
Shut UP and stop trying to take my picture! I’m BUSY.
 
She then snuggled up for a nap approximately 27 minutes after getting up for the day. It’s hard work stalking the neighborhood from the couch.
 
Life is hard on your birthday.

 We played for a while before I had to get ready for my job interviews. I did not photograph her favorite mutilated duck toy. It’s embarrassing.

This is my ball and you can never have it. Ever. I’ll cut you.
It was obviously nap time. Again. Seriously, homegirl has a HARD life.
 
Sunshiiiiiiine.
 
I planned to take Sopapilla on a walk  in her adorable puppy pea coat when I got back home but SOMEONE decided to poop on the floor while I was gone. Seriously, she has not had an accident in probably over a year. Today!? Really!? Because it’s her birthday she did not get beat and barely got yelled at. But she did get her Happy Birthday walk taken away. Consequences, guys. Also, I threatened to throw away her adorable birthday treats because I envision her schatting on the floor at the exact time I was buying them and laughing at me. But that PROBABLY didn’t happen. So she got to choose a treat for today and the other one is being saved for tomorrow.
Baby Angel Birthday Treats!
I choose the cupcake and will put the ENTIRE thing in my mouf so you cannot take it back, you thief.The best option is clearly to hold this entire treat in my mouth and avoid eye contact.
 
I have terrible posture and can no longer resist this cupcake's deliciousness.

 After dinner we watched last night’s episode of Up All Night. She tried to flatter me in hopes it would help me forget about her little accident. It worked.

Christina Applegate is funny AND pretty. Just like you, Mom.
Snuggles!Rub mah belly!
 
After Birthday belly rubs homie threw herself backwards and has been passed out happily in my lap ever since. Puppy birthdays are HARD ya’ll.
 
 
And I'm out.
 
Seriously, I’ve edited this 7 times. It keeps showing up right when I’m editing it but when I publish it random pictures are gone and their captions are scrunched up with other pictures. I’m about to throw my laptop into the fireplace, so this is as good as it gets folks. I am not WordPress savvy enough to make it right. BLECH!!!!

The charade is over.

Guys. I’m a mess. Like mentally I’m just fucked up currently. It’s basically your quintessential quarter life crisis. Everyone I know has started their career and they’re in relationships, or meeting people, or getting married, or having kids. And I’m not. Doing ANY of that. I am unemployed, AGAIN. Have no idea what I want to do with my life and will most likely die alone, as a crazy dog lady.

I gave myself this weekend to wallow in my misery. Only leaving my house to go and meet this little nugget.

Let’s take it back a little. I’ve said basically since I can remember that I do not want kids. I do not like them, I do not want them, no. Then things starting going downhill.

My friend Bacon had a baby. He. Is. AWESOME. I thought he was just going to be the exception to the rule and would be the one tiny human that I could be cool with. We were pretty tight. We hung out regularly, I talked to him like a normal human because I have no idea how to talk to children in appropriate child-like ways, I would even share my queso rice with him at the Mexican restaurant-THAT’S a big deal. It was cool because Eli was seriously cool. So I accepted that I would be homies with one child in my life.

Well then this summer another one of my amigos procreated. I went to see baby Georgia the day she got home from the hospital. She was the newest person I had ever met and I LOVED her. She was amazing. I left their apartment and told my best friend, “I could have one of those one day.” WHAT!? This sent me into a week-long identity crisis. WHO AM I!? I am not the girl who thinks she could have one of those one day. I don’t EVER want one of THOSE. That’s who I am. The girl who doesn’t like kids. Shit. Identity=Ruined.

I hadn’t really thought much about the entire situation until recently. My friend Lauren, one of my best friends since HIGH SCHOOL and her husband, who I’ve known since KINDERGARTEN were having a babay.

A few things here….a. When did we get old enough that people were legitimately married and had jobs and a house and it wasn’t a huge scandal for them to be knocked up?? Like, this kid is totally not a bastard in any way and I’m baffled by it. b. Seriously, how did we get this old?

Anyway, in the last few weeks my days have almost always involved checking in to find out the progress on our little bundle of joy and his mom. She was SO ready for him to get here, and so was I because I felt miserable for her. Then, on Friday, he was here. Holy. Shit. Lauren and Ryan have a BABY. So Saturday I drug myself from my hole of “woe is me” and went to meet my new little friend.

You guys. He. Is. Perfect. Seriously, I fell in love immediately. He’s so soft and his ears are so teensy and he has such tiny little old man hands. I just love him. (Sidenote-I think you should all know that I had a typo there and originally wrote ,”I love me.” Arrogant much? What an asshole.)

The moral of this story? I think it’s time to suck it up and openly admit to the world that I LIKE BABIES. My entire persona has been ruined and I have to figure out a new one now. But at least I’ve finally admitted it.

I AM A BABY PERSON.

Stupid.