I’m Weak.

Right after the New Year I decided I was going to take myself off all the dating sites. And then realized I was on them ALL. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony….I had a profile on FIVE dating apparatuses and not one single date. It was time-consuming, and I was getting nothing out of it. So I decided I was deleting all of them, living my life, and I was going to meet someone out in the wild. People did it forever. Like, ten years ago people were almost exclusively meeting each other and falling in love out in the real world. It HAS to still be possible. And I was going to do it.

I started getting out of my car and going INTO Starbucks to get my morning coffee. Maybe I’ll meet someone in an adorable way in a Starbucks!! But you know what….normal people that I would be interested in dating are going through the drive thru. Because it’s freakin’ 2015 and we love drive thrus.

I saw a really dreamy guy at ChickFilA. We made eye contact and smiled…but how do you approach a dude at a ChickFilA!? “Hey….those waffle fries look really hot…” NO! I hear of things like people meeting at random places such as ChickFilA, but I’m CERTAIN those are urban legends. No normal person has ever walked up to a cute guy and his friends at ChickFilA and it wasn’t the creepiest thing that ever happened.

Well kids, yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I don’t actively HATE Valentine’s Day like a lot of my single sisters. I think any day that encourages people to be nicer to each other is a good thing. But I will tell you that no matter how you look at it, when you’re single Valentine’s Day is just a really unwelcome reminder of HOW single you are. And I’m the MOST single. It’s not like I have some dudes on the back burner, I don’t have any booty calls hangin’ around, I have no one pursuing me. I am as completely and utterly single as a girl can be.

Now add some alcohol to that realization. I am the MOST single, I’m drunk, and I’m looking at my social media seeing alllllll of the roses (What is it about roses that makes girls have to immediately take a picture for Facebook!? I’m not even mad, I’m just amazed by their power.) and fancy dinners, and general coupley adorableness.

And the next thing you know I’m signing up for match.com.

I immediately regretted the decision. Within 30 seconds of me signing up I receive a message from a 47 year old balding man in BFE Missouri with the username “YourPerfectPackage” telling me he’d love to take me out. NO. No, no, no, PerfectPackage.

I just feel like if I’m not DOING something about being single…I’m going to be single forever. Clearly I don’t have the chutzpah to approach someone in the wild. I wish I was the girl urban legends were made of, but clearly I’m just not. So here I am. Still living my life with the potential of meeting someone in an adorable way at a Starbucks, but also taking it to ONE online dating apparatus to see if maybe that’s the way I should go about this. I just feel like there HAS to be a Jim to my Pam out there somewhere. And when I find him and figure out what in the fuck he has been doing for all these years I’m going to be LIT.

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So tell me what you want, what you really really want.

When I make any big changes in my life, I feel like it always leads to me taking a look at my life; where I am, where I want to be going, my relationships. Blah, blah, blah.

I’ve been kind of a miserable bitch the last week or so. I haven’t been taking care of myself physically or emotionally and I can tell a HUGE difference in the way I’m treating people around me. I don’t feel good about myself, and I’m putting that onto everyone who is unfortunate enough to come in contact with me. I took today to kind of get my life and myself together, and to reevaluate some things that I want to be doing.

I’m starting to feel somewhat complacent. I feel like I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I don’t have any goals that I’m working towards, any ambitions, anything really. Recently I’ve started to notice how much I admire people around me who are clearly driven, and it’s made me take a hard look at myself and realize that I’m currently not one of those people. I never want to be someone who stays where they are without any drive to do more with their life. So I’m going to make some changes on that end. I need to start writing more…both here and for myself. I had looked into doing some freelance type writing in the past, and that’s something I plan to pursue again. I’m seriously considering going back to school in the fall. It is LONG over due. My job is in a weird place of restructuring right now, so it’s going to be awhile before I actually know what’s going on there. I absolutely know that I’m ready to move into a bigger position with more responsibilities, but I’m going to have to be patient to see what those new positions are going to look like and making any decisions on if they’re something I want to be doing or not. So there’s that. This entire paragraph was A LOT and it was really heavy. Not sarcastic and snarky at all. WHO HAVE I BECOME!?!?

The 23 Most Relatable Hannah Quotes From "Girls"

As far as the relationships side of things, I’ve been a real asshole lately. I say this regularly, but I think it’s worth repeating. I have the best friends in the whole world ever, and this is only shown more by the fact that they still hang out with me and like me when I’m being an insufferable bitch face. I’m thankful for them every single day. And also wonder what I could have possibly done in a previous life to get to be surrounded by this many awesome people on a daily basis. I’m just being hateful for the sake of being hateful lately and that’s not really okay. I’m completely honest with myself and know that I’m never going to be a ray of sunshine kind of person, but I need to do better. So this is what I’m working on.

Also today I signed up for online dating again. Because I really don’t want to die alone and stuff. And I’m very concerned that is a serious possibility for me. So, back to the internets I go. I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m looking for from it really. Hannah best describes what I want in my life. So we’ll see how all that goes.

The 23 Most Relatable Hannah Quotes From "Girls"

 

Did this entire post without even apologizing for not being here for like 6 months. Because I’m clearly not sorry.

LOVEYOUBYE!!

Today I became a cat lady.

I don’t like cats. I tell this to anyone and everyone. I’m honestly a little obnoxious about it. Well, thanks to this broad, I’ve spent  my day cracking up over stupid cat videos. Annnnnnd, now I’m a cat lady. So that’s cool. As if I don’t have enough going against me, let’s add cat lady into the mix. I’m TOTALLY not going to die alone. WOMP. WOMP. Let me share with you how this rapid downward spiral took place, shall I?

Pudge is grumpy and I LOVE it.
Li’l Bub is a FOREVER KITTEN who always has surprised eyes and an open mouth. LOVE.
Pudge and Li’l Bub are FRIENDS!!!

Annnnnnd then there is Maru. I truly believe this cat is crazy enough to murder us all. AND I LOVE IT.

Now go watch Maru on YouTube. You’re all so welcome for all the joy I just brought to your life. But I still don’t like cats….

It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with, it’s who you want to spend all day Saturday with. (But I’d also prefer to stop spending Friday nights alone…)

I feel like I flippantly refer to my mental instability and belief I’m going to die alone around here on a pretty regular basis and ya’ll probably deserve a little bit more information about this.

So, here’s the deal. a. I’m mentally unstable. and b. I believe I’m going to die alone as a crazy dog lady. There ya go. HA.

No, but for real. I genuinely love my life. I’ve really gotten my shit together in the last year, and I’m happy with the way things are going. But about once a month (PMSing is AWESOME) if I happen to be left alone, I get in my own head a little too much and recently this has resulted in me having a few emotional breakdowns and crying for approximately 5-7 hours.

I truly don’t think I’m going to die alone. Deep down I honestly do believe that someday I am going to find some idiot who won’t completely annoy me and I will sucker him into thinking I’m not completely crazy, obnoxious, and douchey and convince him he wishes to spend the rest of his days with me. And we will live happily ever after. It just starts to be a little much for me when I’m sitting at home alone on a Friday night watching romantic comedies and I start thinking about how I am seriously one of the ONLY single people I know, ya know?

SHUT UP, Katherine Heigl, you stupid liar!!

Patience, I hear, is a virtue. I wouldn’t know because I don’t have any. I want what I want and I want it IMMEDIATELY. (Only child syndrome?? Noooooo….) I will be the first person to tell you that up until recently I was absolutely not in any place to be in any type of serious relationship. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing with my life. In the last year I have grown up TREMENDOUSLY and have figured a lot of those things out. And I really honestly believe that figuring all that out has put me in a place that makes me ready to actually meet someone. So, I cannot fathom why said person has not immediately shown up in my life, at the exact moment I became ready for him? It does not make sense.

If you tell me that I’m too picky, and I find something wrong with everyone I ever meet in life, and that I’m loveable but don’t want to love anyone because of said ability to find something wrong with everyone, or anything along any of those lines, I’ma shank you. Shut up. Not even true. No one is even showing an interest in me to give me the chance to find a minuscule thing about them that annoys me and completely blow it out of proportion, so shut your face hole.

So anyway, I’m single and ready to mingle. I’m sure after this rant you’re all going to be lining UP to set your friends up with me. Here’s the deal, I’m looking for someone who looks like Ryan Gosling, has a fabulous sense of humor, finds me f’ing hysterical, and is incredibly wealthy so I can spend the rest of my days as his trophy wife. I don’t think this is asking too much.

I kid, I kid. But seriously, if you know someone, HOLLER.

I bet your Labor Day weekend isn’t as awesome as mine.

It’s the freakin’ weekennnnnd! Instead of having some fun I am refusing to leave my home like a hermit. Well, if I’m being honest, I do think this is fun. Holllllllllla!

Yesterday I worked a lovely little halfsie day at work, went shopping, ate like shit, Red Box-ed some chick flicks, did not even consider working out, had a Hunter Hayes style emotional meltdown about dying alone, and drank an entire bottle of red wine by myself. I want to call this a win, but I just can’t quite take it there. It was a day.

This morning I woke up and went for a run before Isaac got here for the day. I find it kind of fabulous that this summer was hotter than f’ing Hades and did not rain AT ALL, and the ceremonious end of summer Labor Day long weekend is a rainy disaster. I kind of love it. Rainy days are the best days for holing up in your house doing NOTHING and I’m into it.

The rest of my plans for the day include laying on my couch watching The Hills marathon that MTV has so kindly provided for me today, napping (potentially more than once….), 30 Day Shredding at some point, potentially indulging in yet another bottle of wine, and going to bed at like 8 pm. Who doesn’t want my life!?!?

Have a great Labor Day weekend pals!

This all about how I’m going to die alone. Then I tell you to suck it.

Ooooohhhhh, girl. (And guys? If any dudes read this? Does anyone even read this anymore? Probably not.)

I. Am. A. Disaster. I basically had an emotional breakdown yesterday and cried more tears than I’ve cried in probably the last six months combined. I have no idea what exactly happened, but it was a MESS. I got set off by the song Wanted by Hunter Hayes on the radio on my way home from work.

And then the tears basically didn’t stop for more than like 28 minutes at a time for the rest of the night. I spent 4 hours watching depressing music videos on YouTube, which then lead to me watching old sad dances from So You Think You Can Dance. And crying until 2:30 in the morning. 

WTF is my life!?!?

So anyway, I woke up this morning determined to lock it the fuck up. Made myself some pancakes for breakfast. I’m going to get a massage today. I’ma take my happy ass self to lunch. I’m contemplating going to a movie all by myself. Pretty sure my meltdown, pathetically, had something to do with me truly believing I may spend the rest of my life alone. So today, my intentions are two fold. One, I plan to take my ass out of seclusion in my apartment where I can actually interact with folks, thus really upping the odds of me maybe meeting some weirdo who would like to spend time with me and end my lonely sad girl days. And two, show myself that I’m a fucking great time. So what if I spend the rest of my life alone!? I’m a joy to be around. So everyone else can suck it.

God bless it, I drop by here once a month and now I’ve just told you all to suck it. WHY DON’T MORE PEOPLE WANT TO READ THIS!?!??!?