I’m Weak.

Right after the New Year I decided I was going to take myself off all the dating sites. And then realized I was on them ALL. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony….I had a profile on FIVE dating apparatuses and not one single date. It was time-consuming, and I was getting nothing out of it. So I decided I was deleting all of them, living my life, and I was going to meet someone out in the wild. People did it forever. Like, ten years ago people were almost exclusively meeting each other and falling in love out in the real world. It HAS to still be possible. And I was going to do it.

I started getting out of my car and going INTO Starbucks to get my morning coffee. Maybe I’ll meet someone in an adorable way in a Starbucks!! But you know what….normal people that I would be interested in dating are going through the drive thru. Because it’s freakin’ 2015 and we love drive thrus.

I saw a really dreamy guy at ChickFilA. We made eye contact and smiled…but how do you approach a dude at a ChickFilA!? “Hey….those waffle fries look really hot…” NO! I hear of things like people meeting at random places such as ChickFilA, but I’m CERTAIN those are urban legends. No normal person has ever walked up to a cute guy and his friends at ChickFilA and it wasn’t the creepiest thing that ever happened.

Well kids, yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I don’t actively HATE Valentine’s Day like a lot of my single sisters. I think any day that encourages people to be nicer to each other is a good thing. But I will tell you that no matter how you look at it, when you’re single Valentine’s Day is just a really unwelcome reminder of HOW single you are. And I’m the MOST single. It’s not like I have some dudes on the back burner, I don’t have any booty calls hangin’ around, I have no one pursuing me. I am as completely and utterly single as a girl can be.

Now add some alcohol to that realization. I am the MOST single, I’m drunk, and I’m looking at my social media seeing alllllll of the roses (What is it about roses that makes girls have to immediately take a picture for Facebook!? I’m not even mad, I’m just amazed by their power.) and fancy dinners, and general coupley adorableness.

And the next thing you know I’m signing up for match.com.

I immediately regretted the decision. Within 30 seconds of me signing up I receive a message from a 47 year old balding man in BFE Missouri with the username “YourPerfectPackage” telling me he’d love to take me out. NO. No, no, no, PerfectPackage.

I just feel like if I’m not DOING something about being single…I’m going to be single forever. Clearly I don’t have the chutzpah to approach someone in the wild. I wish I was the girl urban legends were made of, but clearly I’m just not. So here I am. Still living my life with the potential of meeting someone in an adorable way at a Starbucks, but also taking it to ONE online dating apparatus to see if maybe that’s the way I should go about this. I just feel like there HAS to be a Jim to my Pam out there somewhere. And when I find him and figure out what in the fuck he has been doing for all these years I’m going to be LIT.

It never comes easily. And when it does I’m already gone.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Alright y’all. Let’s get real. I have an ugly, dark, dirty secret to tell you guys.

I am on the Match.com. I am online dating. AND IT F’ING SUCKS BALLS. I hate the Match. It gives me really low self-esteem (like I need help with THAT), it is full of creepy weirdo creeps, I feel like more of a perfectionist writing and rewriting my stupid profile than I’ve ever felt in my whole life ever, and I hate it. I signed up for the 3 month membership because I’m a baller on a budget and it was clearly the most fiscally responsible choice and I am counting down the days until this God awful membership expires. COUNTING. DOWN. THE. DAYS.

This secret I’m telling you just as a precursor to what I really want to talk to you about. I was quasi-dumped. Not really, real life dumped because we were just dating. But still. It happened. And it sucks. And I had a completely irrational overly emotional breakdown because of it yesterday and now I’m trying to make better life choices and pull myself together. I believe I’ve touched on some of my issues in the past but just to catch you up I’m a hot hot mess of daddy issues, abandonment issues, trust issues, and have a deep-rooted fear of commitment.

If we’re being honest I’m not upset that I’m not dating this boy anymore. I’m mostly upset by the way it all went down. I had only recently decided that I even remotely liked him. He was too short (shut it, Ella), he was not funny, and there was just no way he was going to be able to deal with me and all of this mess. After meeting him every one of my friends told me, “He’s nice! He’s not for you, but he’s nice.” For someone, somewhere, someday, he’s going to be the perfect guy. But I am not the girl. The short thing isn’t a deal breaker. I’m short. It’s fine. That one I could totally deal with. But I am FUNNY you guys. The bar is set high. And this dude had NO HOPE of keeping up. I’m not asking for someone to be as funny as I am. But I need someone to at least come close, and to have the quick wit to be able to jump in every once in a while. He did not. I also need someone who can properly deal with my bullshit. He definitely could have put up with it. But there are times when I push it just to see how far I can go with something. I am fully aware I’m doing it, and I HAVE to have someone who will call me out on it at a certain point or it won’t end well. He never would have, and I would have taken FULL advantage of that fact. Like I said, he wasn’t the one for me. I know this. I’m not upset I’m not with HIM anymore.

I am a hot mess. I think we’ve covered this. I like to be in control and have the upper hand in a relationship. The fact that this bro decided HE was done talking to ME sent me over the edge a little. Also, that he was not grown enough to TELL ME he was done talking to me and just stopped responding to any attempts I made to contact him for over a week make him a small tiny little man who I have no interest in dating, but that is neither here nor there. Not responding to any of my texts for a week, then responding to my f off, I’m done, you’re not acting like a grown up email within 20 minutes was completely absurd. The fact that his reason for not wanting to date me was that he felt un-included around my friends caused me RAGE. All of these emotions along with the issues I touched on earlier and my need for control in a relationship just sent me into a downward emotional spiral that lasted all day yesterday.

And it got to last all day yesterday. But that is IT. I am having no more emotional breakdowns over this. I allowed this DUDE, that I fully realize was kind of a waste of my time, to be this toxic THING in my life all week last week while I stressed out over him not calling, or texting, or wanting to hang out with me. THEN I let him be the reason I spent all day yesterday crying like an emotional train wreck, eating my feelings, and drinking wine. WTF!? I have a GOOD LIFE. I fully realize that, and I’m not going to let some boy turn me into a disaster and make me forget that.

I need to remember this more often.

I got up this morning ready to do me. Put myself together (except for wearing my glasses…crying for a full day is not great for the contact situation) and wore a sparkly new outfit to work. I’m going to seriously work on blogging on a more regular basis because I really do enjoy it. I need some type of “boys suck” change to my appearance, my only thought thus far has been changing my nose ring from a stud to a hoop, any other suggestions are welcome. I’m going to the gym after work today, followed by grocery shopping for healthy foods and picking up Christmas cards. I plan to go home and do a little self-improvement tonight. All forward motion!!

So that’s my story. Match sucks, I have far too many issues to work out on this blog, and I dated a silly little boy for longer than I ever should have. Tomorrow will be less woe is me, more picturey, and FAR less wordy. Thanks for listening friends.