Right after the New Year I decided I was going to take myself off all the dating sites. And then realized I was on them ALL. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony….I had a profile on FIVE dating apparatuses and not one single date. It was time-consuming, and I was getting nothing out of it. So I decided I was deleting all of them, living my life, and I was going to meet someone out in the wild. People did it forever. Like, ten years ago people were almost exclusively meeting each other and falling in love out in the real world. It HAS to still be possible. And I was going to do it.
I started getting out of my car and going INTO Starbucks to get my morning coffee. Maybe I’ll meet someone in an adorable way in a Starbucks!! But you know what….normal people that I would be interested in dating are going through the drive thru. Because it’s freakin’ 2015 and we love drive thrus.
I saw a really dreamy guy at ChickFilA. We made eye contact and smiled…but how do you approach a dude at a ChickFilA!? “Hey….those waffle fries look really hot…” NO! I hear of things like people meeting at random places such as ChickFilA, but I’m CERTAIN those are urban legends. No normal person has ever walked up to a cute guy and his friends at ChickFilA and it wasn’t the creepiest thing that ever happened.
Well kids, yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I don’t actively HATE Valentine’s Day like a lot of my single sisters. I think any day that encourages people to be nicer to each other is a good thing. But I will tell you that no matter how you look at it, when you’re single Valentine’s Day is just a really unwelcome reminder of HOW single you are. And I’m the MOST single. It’s not like I have some dudes on the back burner, I don’t have any booty calls hangin’ around, I have no one pursuing me. I am as completely and utterly single as a girl can be.
Now add some alcohol to that realization. I am the MOST single, I’m drunk, and I’m looking at my social media seeing alllllll of the roses (What is it about roses that makes girls have to immediately take a picture for Facebook!? I’m not even mad, I’m just amazed by their power.) and fancy dinners, and general coupley adorableness.
And the next thing you know I’m signing up for match.com.
I immediately regretted the decision. Within 30 seconds of me signing up I receive a message from a 47 year old balding man in BFE Missouri with the username “YourPerfectPackage” telling me he’d love to take me out. NO. No, no, no, PerfectPackage.
I just feel like if I’m not DOING something about being single…I’m going to be single forever. Clearly I don’t have the chutzpah to approach someone in the wild. I wish I was the girl urban legends were made of, but clearly I’m just not. So here I am. Still living my life with the potential of meeting someone in an adorable way at a Starbucks, but also taking it to ONE online dating apparatus to see if maybe that’s the way I should go about this. I just feel like there HAS to be a Jim to my Pam out there somewhere. And when I find him and figure out what in the fuck he has been doing for all these years I’m going to be LIT.